so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I wish you could order shots online.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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