dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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