i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
