dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
