Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
