he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
