john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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