I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
