just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
