I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I cannot find my penis.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
