On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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