I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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