I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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