After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
