I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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