I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
