I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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