so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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