What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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