Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
