Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
