You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
