OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
