Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
