last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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