I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
