fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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