Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
