My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
