he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
