So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
