You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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