It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
