My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
