They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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