Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
