Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
