'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
