You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Semen is not good for contacts.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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