I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
