Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
