Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
