I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
