is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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