We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
