As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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