My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
