OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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