at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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