Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
